It's 7 o'clock in the morning
I am in a guest room at Gurubachan-Niwas in the Nirankari colony Delhi, where I was staying since the previous day. Have been up quite early this morning - trying to finish packing and getting ready to fly back home - in USA- on a late evening flight.
The Satsang has already started in the hall right across from my room. I can hear everything loud and clear while still gathering and packing my belongings.
The announcer invited the next speaker - who is singing a melodious and quite familiar song:
"है इतनी अरदास दातेआ - दे अपना विश्वास दातेआ"
“Hai itani ardaas Daate-aa
De apna vishwas Daate-aa"
While folding my clothes and setting them in the suitcase, I suddenly found myself humming that song along with the singer.
Now came the next speaker … who is singing:
"सुपने च वी ना डोले मेरा विश्वास सतगुर"
"Supne ch’ vi na dolay mera vishwaas Satgur"
Couple of minutes later I realized that I was humming along this song also....... without even realizing what I was singing or its meaning ......it was all mechanical.
The moment I became aware of this fact, that I was singing along automatically and mechanically, I could not continue my packing anymore. I dropped everything and sat down on the bed - thinking - after all these years of attending Satsangs and listening to the vichaars and experiences of other enlightened ones, and even preaching for so many years, why am I still asking for help to keep my faith strong?
Do I – after all these years, still not have faith in Almighty?
Is my faith shallow and shaky?
Why am I doubtful?
On one hand, I claim that I have seen God.
And they say “Seeing is Believing”.
If I have really seen God then there should not be any doubt.
If I still have doubts - if I still don't have enough faith- then could it mean that I have not yet really seen or realized God?
Perhaps my focus is somewhere else?
Perhaps my mind is still wandering between ‘Real’ and ‘Unreal’ – between ‘Brahm’ and ‘Maya’; God and the world.
It’s like two sides of the scale moving up and down for a while before stabilizing – as it's weighing both sides again and again to decide which side is heavier before it settles down towards one side.
And I realized - my mind is still wavering between ‘Kaamna’ and ‘Moksha’ – ‘desires’ and ‘freedom from desires’ – between ‘fear’ and ‘fearlessness’.
Until I clearly see and realize which side is heavier, and 'Real' - not verbally - not orally, but within the depth of my heart – my mind cannot become stable. It will keep wavering between the two.
(Morning of May 2, 2017)