Tum ko dekhtaa hoon to ... (When I see you)

In 1996, I had this great opportunity; a great honor to accompany Baba Hardev Singh ji on a month long tour in Canada and United States.  Though this was not the first time to have accompanied the Master, for some reason I was quite emotional during this whole trip. Whenever I was sitting or standing close to Him, if someone sang a Bhakti-geet; devotional song, tears would start flowing in my eyes. During most of the trip, I cried whenever such moments arrived.

In one of the small gatherings, Baba ji asked Jagat geetkaar to sing a devotional song. Jagat ji pointed towards me and said “Baba ji! Jab bhi main gaata hoon to Rajan ji rone lagte hain. Inko baaher bhej den?” (“Whenever I sing this song, Rajan ji starts crying. Should we send him outside?”

Baba ji simply smiled but his remarks made me thinking.

I realized when most people come in close contact with the Guru, they celebrate; they laugh; they sing and dance.

Why is it that it makes me sad?

And I remembered a ‘sher’, a couplet by Sahir Ludhianavi:

“Tujh se milna khushi kee baat sahi,

 Tujh se mil kar udaas rehtaa hoon.”

Meaning: “Though meeting you is indeed a moment of pleasure, whenever I meet you, I become sad.”

That seemed to be the case with me also. Even though all day, every day I was just a few feet away from the Guru, yet I was sad and crying; longing to be closer to Him.

While searching for the reason, these lines came to my mind, and I wrote this poem:

               

'Shaayed abhi main door hoon tum se '

Tum ko dekhtaa hoon to ye aankh bhar aati hai kyon

Lagtaa hai shaayed abhi main door hoon Tum se

Hai tamanna tum meri hasti pe chhaa jaao, magar 

Jaane kyon phir bhi abhi main door hoon Tum se

Dil me baaki hain abhi khud-garziyaan, khud-daariyaan

Shayed is vajaha se hi main door hoon Tum se

Chaahne par bhi khudee ko maar na paaya hoon main

Or Pocchhtaa hoon kyon abhi main door hoon Tum se

Chhod duniya-daari tere saath reh saktaa nahin

Man hi nahin tan se bhi main door hoon Tum se

Dil me dekhaa gaur se to raaz ye 'Rajan' khulaa

Dil me hai duniya, tabhi main door hoon Tum se

Tum ko dekhtaa hoon to ye aankh bhar hi jaati hai

Jaantaa hoon ki, abhi main door hoon Tum se

                            “Rajan Scahdeva”

                                      (September 1996)

 “Chand kaliyaan nishaat ki chun kar,

   Peharon mahave yaas rehtaa hoon

  Tujh se milna khushi kee baat sahi,

  Tujh se mil kar udaas rehtaa hoon”

                 -Sahir Ludhianavi-